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I'm looking for advice from some of you 2s. My mom is a 2. An overbearing, sensitive type of two whose feelings get hurt if I don't let her help me. But, when I do let her help me she tends to only want to do things her way.
For instance, I'm in the midst of a landscaping project. My mom desperately wants to help me with it. She wants to do the design and the planting (she is qualified). She is offering my step-dad to do the irrigation (again qualified). But I want to hire a landscaper to do some of it for a variety of reasons. The reason at the top of the list is that they live 5 hours away and I just want to get it done asap not piecemeal over a couple of months.
My mom's reaction is to criticize every bid I get. Ok, so I probably don't need to include her in the bids. I get that now. I didn't realize she would react this way. But, in the long term, or the next time, I'd like to be able to seek her advice but not engage her services (so to speak). How????
The other reason is that my mom has a tendency to take over these types of projects and not listen to what *I* want (been happening my whole life). She forces her opinions on me and ultimately, because she is helping me out of the "goodness of her heart," her opinons win b/c I start to feel guilty and she gets what she wants and I'm left wondering what the hell just happened.
If I reject her help, it is as if I've personally attacked her.
Anyone out there have advice for me on how best to deal with this?
For instance, I'm in the midst of a landscaping project. My mom desperately wants to help me with it. She wants to do the design and the planting (she is qualified). She is offering my step-dad to do the irrigation (again qualified). But I want to hire a landscaper to do some of it for a variety of reasons. The reason at the top of the list is that they live 5 hours away and I just want to get it done asap not piecemeal over a couple of months.
My mom's reaction is to criticize every bid I get. Ok, so I probably don't need to include her in the bids. I get that now. I didn't realize she would react this way. But, in the long term, or the next time, I'd like to be able to seek her advice but not engage her services (so to speak). How????
The other reason is that my mom has a tendency to take over these types of projects and not listen to what *I* want (been happening my whole life). She forces her opinions on me and ultimately, because she is helping me out of the "goodness of her heart," her opinons win b/c I start to feel guilty and she gets what she wants and I'm left wondering what the hell just happened.
If I reject her help, it is as if I've personally attacked her.
Anyone out there have advice for me on how best to deal with this?
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Re: Help with a 2
Wed, February 1, 2006 - 10:03 AMValidate, validate, validate :)
We really want to be heard, seen and validated.
How starting with how qualified she is and then telling your reasons for wanting to do it your way... "I love you Mom, and you're great at this, AND I'm choosing to do this my way." If she objects, gently point out how unfair it is for you to have to manage her feelings around this issue, while giving her a hug. Deep down she knows the truth, it's just really hard to see beyond how darned "helpful" we are! :)
Good luck,
Camerin
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Pay attention to her but hide the shovel.
Thu, March 2, 2006 - 4:17 PMIt is not clear exactly what you want to do? If you want to get the project done, do not enlist your mother. If the purpose is to show her love and respect, then have a blow-out garden party in her honor when the project is complete. All she wants is attention.
My 2 mom died at 90 only 4 months ago. My reflections tend to how much she waged war whenever she felt neglected, and her death did not signal a truce. This nasty side of the 2 is often overlooked. It is all about attention! It took me a very long time, but eventually we did get to a pretty good place before she died. I could not have done that had I not seen that her need to get my total attention had to be addressed and not just surface manifestations. Giving her part of a project where she will not be appreciated and acknowledged in the end is a self-deteating move. -
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Re: Pay attention to her but hide the shovel.
Fri, March 3, 2006 - 10:21 PMOh what beautiful insight you just gave me, Ken! Thank you!! You are dead on and I can't belieive I didn't see it before! Thanks again!!! -
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Re: Pay attention to her but hide the shovel.
Tue, March 7, 2006 - 12:23 PMYou are most welcome. Good luck with the project and of course, I hope that your Mom does get that you really love her. Clearly you do. -
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Unsu...
Re: Pay attention to her but hide the shovel.
Tue, March 7, 2006 - 2:51 PMThis project is a clear example of how a three goes to nine in stress. I've done NOTHING! I froze in my tracks. Ok, gotta pick myself up and go over to 8 and get the job done.
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